š„ Burn bridges! š (or how to quit your job via Slack)
Sometimes burning bridges is the only way forward!
It was summer 2020, and Germany (and the world) were still unsure how to deal withĀ COVID. Public life thus consisted of a back and forth between restrictions and the easing of them.Ā
My best friend and co-founder back thenĀ had started her quest to build a Business Empireā¢ with me as her sidekick. I worked my regular job (which was pretty chill except for my own inability to rest)Ā and outside of it, joined brainstorming sessions around a vague idea of a tech product that was supposed to replace a therapist.Ā
I wasn't good at keeping my word back then.Ā And / or at being internally consistent.
I had discussed my future at my employer with my boss and it didn't seem too appealing - I was constantly wondering WHAT THE HECKĀ I was doing there.
Despite this, I had agreed with my boss to get back to him sometime soon to let him know whether I'd leave the firm or take over another department.Ā Ā
It was Friday afternoon, after another week of chill, salaried work, mixed withĀ intense, high-speed workshops with my co-founder.
I was also building never-ending decision trees in my mind to figure out WHAT TO DO: stay at my company with a salary bumpĀ or sign up for the adventure of building my own business with one of my best friends. I couldn't decide.
Until I just couldn't bear it any longer one Friday afternoon: I rushed to my laptop, openedĀ Slack (a work messaging app)Ā and sent my boss a message telling him I'd quit my job.
I just couldn't stand NOT deciding anymore and so simply did something out of the blue.
This inability to be patient and often be surprised by what IĀ ended up doing,Ā had been a hallmark of mine ever since IĀ could think: when I was eleven, IĀ learnt how to play the drums. During a sleepover at a friend's, I came to the realization thatĀ IĀ couldn't keep learning how to play the drums. My friend's mom had to call my mom IMMEDIATELYĀ so she could come pick me up. The first thing I told my momĀ when IĀ saw her was that I HAD TO STOP PLAYING drums. Like NOW!
I just couldn't deal with uncertainty and sucked atĀ enduringĀ things.Ā
IĀ believed that's simply "how I am". A fast-paced kid who isn't good at being zen.Ā It was the price that IĀ thought I paid for being fast.Ā Little did I know that IĀ was simply TERRIBLE at holding space for myself and my own emotions.Ā
The container I had to hold my emotions wasĀ tiny. Also, I was out of touch with most ofĀ what was happening inside of me.Ā Therefore, the container filled up quickly and unexpectedly.
I ended up making rash decisions.Ā
This led to a host of problemsĀ (as if quitting your job via Slack ain't bad enough!): I often was unable to solve interpersonal issues because IĀ didn't REALIZE them. Then suddenly when I realized what's up, IĀ had to GET OUT NOW.
My consistency and reliability in relationships, one of the most essential elements in working relationships, was low.
Imagine being in any relationship with someone who's erratic, doesn't know what they want and struggles keeping their word. It'll SUCK.Ā
So yeah, it was difficult for me to know what I want and communicate that well. Consequently, I started working on that.Ā
When I was at a Buddhist temple, I was amazed by the integrity (= keeping one's word) the abbot displayed.
Despite living with us 24/7, IĀ could not spot a SINGLE MOMENT where he cut corners or preached one thing and did another.
It was insane (and trust me, I tried hard to catch him in disintegrity)!Ā
As I got to sort myself out more by working on how I relate to things and gotĀ to know myself betterĀ by upping my awareness, I realized that my impatient self isn't something that was set in stone.
It was simply a function of my inner system lacking balance.
I often didn't know what I felt and couldn't share the littleĀ I felt in a skillful fashion.
I've since then worked hard on changing that in the past couple of years and picked up a variety of tools that helped me.Ā
āImbalanced systems, whether internal or external, will tend to polarize.ā
Richard Schwartz, founder of Internal Family Systems (IFS)
Since I've been doing this, it's been WAY EASIERĀ to make commitments.
And if I don't make them, I can share that.Ā Without dreading I'll ruin the relationship.
It's been so FREEING to feel that way.Ā
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